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8:13 a.m.
2004-05-21
Weird Awakenings
The past two times I've woken up recently have been pretty bad. Last night, after an hour's nap, I woke up to the huge storm that decided to hit Chicago. I was shivery and wide-eyed, and didn't want to move. I had to, though, and spent most of my movings in a state of sheer terror, anxiety, and frustration. I hate storms.
This morning, I woke up, but didn't really wake up. It was one of those dreams where you think you've woken up, you go through all the motions of waking up in the dream, and then really wake up when your alarms truly go off. It was unsettling, and I didn't want to move. When I finally did, I did go through all the motions of the morning. One of the last things I do in the morning is brush my teeth. When I did this morning, I threw up. First it was retching because of the toothbrush, then retching because of the gross water in the sink (we have to use the kitchen sink for everything in my house, 'cause the bathroom sink is dead), and then finally throwing up part of my breakfast.
I'm terrified, 'cause I never throw up. The last time I truly threw up was about ten years ago. Good God. Even the fact that I lost five pounds over the past few weeks doesn't make me feel better about this.
Couple all that with the general feeling of self-loathing I've been feeling for the past few weeks now makes me just want to curl up in my bed, shut the door to my room, nail it shut, and just wait to die. I hate thinking like this, and I kick myself every time I do, but I can't keep the thoughts away anymore. They keep cropping up. I know I've just gotta be stronger about it, but I don't know just how much stronger I can be right now. There's too much going on, too many emotions floating around...God, I wish it was June. June isn't the answer to all my problems, but it'll shove some of them away.
I am a horrible person.