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9:36 a.m.
2004-03-31
Morning Talks and Thoughts
I've never seriously thought about what path I'm going to follow. I mean, sure, I know that I'll be going to grad school, I know that I will get my masters degree, and that it'll get done soon. But I had always thought I'd go on, get a Ph.D., and teach at a university. I'd specialize in Restoration British literature, probably drama. I'd have to teach basic intro courses for a while, but I'd get to teach the courses I wanted to after I'd made my way into the profession. That's always how it seems to work out. I never really gave it much thought.
I talked to Dr. Jabon, one of my bosses, this morning about it. He was pleased that I would be continuing my education, since he sees that as important. This is a man who has been to Harvard and University of Chicago for math, and is probably the smartest and well-rounded person I know. I knew that he'd be relatively pleased about the track I had planned to take, which he was.
When I mentioned Ph.D., however, his tone changed. He related his story, which is similar to mine in some respects. He is a first-generation college student (as am I, essentially, since Mom and Dad never really made it past a year or two of college apiece), and had really no clue of what was going on. He enjoys teaching, and has a job that he wouldn't give up, but he also wonders if he'd do something different if he could go back. A Ph.D. doesn't guarantee a job, he said, especially not a high-paying one. True, I'd get to teach at a university, which is something I want to do, but otherwise, it doesn't open a lot of doors. He told me to talk to people, especially grad students in my field, and see what their experiences have been, and that he wanted to be able to talk to me more about stuff as I learned more.
This happend almost an hour ago, and I'm still thinking about it. I'm fully aware that I haven't given things much thought, but I know I will now. I need to think about whether this is what I want to do, or whether I might want to look at other things. Personally, a high-paying job would be nice, but it isn't a necessity for me. Then again, that's right now. What about when I get married, have a family, and have to worry about all the expenses that those things incur? I'd always thought that Dr. Jabon got along well, but it turns out that he's had to struggle along the way to put his three kids through school--they're all in high school or college now, because though what he does he enjoys, it has its downsides.
I want to be able to contribute as much as I can to my family, and be able to have money on the side in case emergencies arise with the rest of my family or my friends. I want to be able to live a semi-comfortable life, if not totally comfortable, since my life hasn't really been so. I don't want my children to come home to a house where the heat has been shut off because we can't afford the bills, or have to always wear hand-me-down clothes, or not be able to eat every night. I want what every parent wants for their kids. Will I be able to do that with the path I want to follow?
At the same time, a part of me says that I need to do something I'm going to be happy doing, or else all of that won't be worth much. Sure, my kids'll be happy, and that alone will probably make me happy, but what if it doesn't? I don't want to dread getting up in the morning, because I'll have to go to a job that's less than perfect. Once again, something that anyone wants.
I guess what I have to do is research more, look into things, and see what happens. Life isn't going to be perfect, I know that. I'm going to regret things, and have to go through hardships and tough times. But I know that if I start making good decisions now, I might be able to start avoiding such things in the future. I might just be deluding myself. I don't know. But I'd rather sit here and think that things'll be okay, and that I'll be able to keep them okay, than convince myself that nothing will go my way. I'll get through the rough stuff now, so that hopefully, I'll get to do the fun stuff later on.
Too much thought for a Wednesday morning.
Quote for the day: "It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped." --Anthony Robbins