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8:22 a.m.
2004-01-12
Winter Rebirth
I've gotten really good at keeping secrets lately. Ha, lately? Lately would have to encompass the span of a year or so, it seems. I mean, there are a few people that I tell everything to--I feel bad for my poor sister sometimes, since she knows more than anyone--but overall, most of the not obvious stuff that goes on in my life remains not obvious.
I don't know why I got like that, but at the same time, I do. And it's going to take some time to fix it. But finally, finally, I feel like I want to try and get stuff out, and just pour out everything I've wanted to say to people, just talk and talk and not stop.
But there's a part of me that won't let me do that. It sits and tells me, "You can't go and vent to *insert one of the girls' names here* because they're so busy with school/work/life and you don't want to burden them. You know they'll just tell you that it's no big deal, but you'll feel like it is anyway, so don't worry about it. You'll get through it yourself, so just let it go." That's what goes through my mind.
But I see everyone going off in their own directions, see how I've alienated myself from the people I used to feel so comfortable with, and want to fix it. But until I overcome these problems I've imposed on myself, nothing will get fixed. I ask for patience with me, because it's going to take some time for me to get used to this again. But for the time being, that's all I ask.
There will come a day soon where I can vent to any of you again. There will be a day hopefully where I can not have to gloss over subjects because I feel like they're going to bother people, even when I know they won't. I'm going to start my period of rebirth in winter instead of spring.
...and I realize that I've said this before. Why should anyone believe me when I say it again? I doubt that anyone does.
At least I do.
Quote for the Day: "Everything is all right...if I just breathe..." --"Breathe", by Michelle Branch