Avi's Diary Thingy - ver. 15 - Let That City Take You In...

10:22 a.m.
2003-11-20
Self-Esteem Issues

I say I'm cute a lot. Frequently, even. And yes, I do believe that I am cute. But I don't believe it in the way that people probably believe.

I feel that I have a cute demeanor sometimes. Sure, my demeanor can also be abrasive and loud, as well as serious and adult, but a lot of the time, I see myself as cute. I act like Edward or something, because I see Edward as cute. Most of the time, people seem to agree with me, or at least don't argue with me. It should make me feel better.

But it doesn't.

I'm currently wearing jeans, sandals, and a large, comfy shirt. I should be comfortable, but I'm not. I'm uncomfortable, because I don't feel attractive.

I rarely ever feel attractive anymore. Even when I dress up and take time with my appearance, I always feel like I'm coming up short, that I'm trying too hard. It has to do with my skin, my height, my style, and my weight.

I know that I can fix all of that, sans my height. I can get the skin fixed by a dermatologist, and by not wearing makeup. The style thing can be fixed if I lose weight. I want to be able to wear girl pants, and wear tank tops and sheer tops and peasant shirts and other things of that nature. And I can do it and feel confident about myself if I lose weight.

But I just can't bring myself to do it. I can get started, and then I'll get hungry, and it'll go out the window. I have a bottle of water staring at me, but the rest of my body is saying, "Go downstairs and get more coffee! You'll enjoy it more!"

I guess it's all about discipline again. I used to be able to not eat at all for a day, and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I was also busier then, so that might have been part of the thing. But now, it's like, part of me is saying, "meh, whatever. It doesn't matter, so long as I'm happy," while another part is saying, "But you'll be happier if you lose that weight." It's all so stupid.

It's just so hard to feel attractive sometimes. It shouldn't be as hard as it is. I know that there's beauty there. But I just never recognize it. *sighs*

I'm talking about this exact topic with Tony right now. He asked why I don't believe people when they say I'm beautiful, and the reason why I don't believe them is because I don't feel the same way. Most of the time, I just feel fat and blah.

But I know it's up to me to fix that. It's just a matter of bearing down and doing it.

*drinks the water*

Quote for the Day: "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." --Confucius

take you in :: spit you out