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10:05 a.m.
2003-11-06
Outright About Depth
So I was writing this whole, really long, really detailed entry involving my life and my relationships during History, but I really don't feel like posting it here for some reason. Maybe someday, I'll make it a private entry or something, and if people want to read it, they can, but it just doesn't seem right for right now. I can't quite explain it.
I feel like pouring my soul out right now. I feel like sitting here, musing about love and friendship and desire and need and my feelings on them, but at the same time, I don't know, I just don't know if I could do it, or do it justice. I could put how I feel about love now as opposed to love a year ago into words, but I know for a fact that those words wouldn't convey half the meaning that I feel. I could talk about how much my friends mean to me, how much they shaped my life, but not only do they know that, I always seem like a dink when I say such things. Like, "Yeah, Abs, you said that before, now tell us something new" will be the response from such words.
I always think the worst of pouring my heart out lately. Like it's always going to bother people, despite the fact that they continually tell me it won't. I can tell people I love them, sure--I've been doing it a lot lately, because people have been so marvelous--but I can't tell them why, because I feel like I'm overstepping my bounds. Even with Lowell, who it's supposed to be normal that I talk about that stuff with, he being my boyfriend and all, I get all, "Maybe I shouldn't be saying this, he doesn't want to hear all this gooey stuff," and I know I shouldn't be that way. I don't know.
I got so used to keeping things like that in, especially from him, that it's hard to get back into the game. It's not like I want to get overly emotional about stuff, but...I don't know. Where's that happy medium when you need it? It always seems to evade me.
Last night was something else. Thank you.
11:45 AM: And just in case people didn't get the email, my cell phone will be off for about a week, until I can afford to pay it off. I'm sorry if this inconveniences anyone. Stupid poor me. ;-;
Quote for the Day: "My ass feels warm...oooh, yeah." --me, commenting on the heated seats in Lowell's car :D