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7:48 a.m.
2003-10-07
Mostly Rambling
So after months and months, I updated my profile. I added some people, took off lots of non-functioning diaries, and generally felt like crap about the whole thing. I also felt like "people are going to read these description thingies, and be all like, those are so fake" when really, they're not. I do love everyone I read--I mean, if I didn't, I wouldn't read them, no da. *shrugs*
It's been a very frustrating few days, and I don't know how to deal with it, exactly. When I get frustrated, I either get angry, sad, or apathetic. Yesterday had all three in them for various reasons or another. Don't get me wrong--the day had its upsides. I got chinese food, the Megatokyo graphic novel (thank you, Lowell), my OEC book, and some generally needed attention. But it doesn't necessarily mask the frustration, the apathy, the sadness.
I have a midterm at 1:30 and a midterm at 3:10, neither of which I have even begun studying for. I tried to yesterday, but demands were made on my time. I went to a lunch that wasn't even a lunch, and as soon as I sat down to get down to hardcore studying, downtown beckoned. I could have stayed in LP, but blah. Then, I get home, and my brain is certainly not on study mode. It wasn't even on amorous mode, as I had expected it to be. After sitting in my car and crying, per my usual leaving-Dempster routine, all feelings of that nature left. I realize that I am overemotional, do not ever take the good things into my life into account, nor do I even believe that I deserve those good things. I see that sentence, see the bad grammar, and don't really give that much of a damn. I look forward to going home, but when the time comes to go there, I don't want to leave the situation I am in. Even when I'm happy, I'm sad, because as I said, I don't ever feel like I deserve that happiness.
Blah, I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. Stop being a bitch, Abs, and wake the fuck up. Look around you. Several people have told you how lucky you are. Now enjoy that luck. You know you should. Smile, for God's sake. It's not that hard.
Quote for the Day: "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." --Lao Tzu (Holy God, that's disgustingly true)