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11:54 a.m.
2003-09-25
What I Want
I bloody hate mood swings. They make me want to break things.
I had a full on hard core entry for here, but no, I can't put it in, because it certainly doesn't display everything of what I feel, and I'm sick of lying to myself here as well as everywhere else.
I say I'm okay with stuff, I say that I'm ready to move on, and I'm not. I wish I would just fucking get over it, but I can't, so I'm just going to have to deal with it. Keep lying to myself. Then maybe, lying to other people will get easier.
I just...I want to fucking do what I want and not worry about anyone else but me and whoever I'm doing stuff with. Please don't take that sexually, because most of the people that read this will. I want to just be happy. I've been happy, but it's always followed by feelings of guilt, or something of that ilk, and I fucking hate it. Tons of other people can go out and do stuff like that. Why can't I bring myself to do it?
I want to be able to tell people what I really think, and deal with the consequences that I know will come from that. There are SO many things I just want to say to people, SO many things that need to get the fuck off my chest, but can I bring myself to do it? No. I'm that big of a fucking coward that I'm more than willing to sit and endure pain and do exactly the opposite of what I want to be doing rather than just tell the person what I think, what I think of them, what I think of what they've done, what I think they should do, and every single other thing that floats through my stupid fucking head every damn day.
I want people to understand where I'm coming from. There are some that do, but I don't get to see or talk to those people so often. I want those that don't to just let me talk, let me get out what I need to say, and just understand. They don't have to like it, they just have to understand. I'd rather they didn't hate me afterwards, but I still want to say it.
I want to not feel bad when I title this entry and when I click the button that says "done!", but that's not going to happen, either. I want to keep feeling happy, like I have before, such a short time ago. I want to keep feeling happy. I want to take the bad with the good, not the good with the bad.
I want to stop being a dumb fuck and just shut up.