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7:59 p.m.
2002-03-11
Not for the Faint of Heart or Hormones
WARNING: Anyone who does not want to read about the more detailed details of Abby's love/sex life, turn back now. You have been warned. Any images you get by reading the next sections are your own fault.
I AM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED WITH EVERYTHING. School is too much, relationships are too much, and to top it all off, I need sex. Badly.
Let me rephrase this a trifle more eloquently. I don't need "sex" per se. I use the phrase very loosely. But I do need something physical in that arena right about now. I keep getting all these teases, and they're driving me absolutely nuts.
First, there's the cybering. I enjoy it, sure. I'm a nympho--what do you expect? But it does NOT sate anything. If anything, it makes you desire the person more. I think that's what causing some problems I'm having. Well, not the only reason, but a big part of it. When you start cybering someone, you reach a whole new peak in a relationship, and your entire sexual being goes insane until you can be with them. It just sucks when you know you can't get to them for quite some time, nor can the get to you. It really fucking sucks, for more than one reason. The other bit about cybering is the fact that you start wanting people you don't necessarily want anymore. You get your mind set on something, then BAM! Sex sends you back. Sigh.
Next comes Jordan. I thought things were over with that, but I decided to test the waters yesterday, as was mentioned. Nope, things aren't over with. Things have just been busy. Sure, I can understand that--it's the week before finals, for Christ's sake. After seeing him at work yesterday and what happened in the parking lot when I left, Jordan is definitely in the picture. Not only is he incredibly amusing and sweet, he's good in bed and is around. That alone is enough for me at this point. Relationships are looking less and less appealing to me right now.
Finally, there's this issue with stairwells. I never had any problems with them before. They simply housed the stairs I used to go to different floor when I didn't want to take the elevator or escalator. Now, they've taken on much greater meaning to me, and I don't think I'll ever be able to take one again--especially certain ones--without getting thoughts in my head. Plus, the whole stairwell thing never culminates in anything! I'm always left desiring more, and this is certainly a situation where I really shouldn't be wanting more.
And all of this is making me feel incredibly guilty. I'm not doing this to hurt anyone, and am hoping to God that if they read this, it doesn't hurt them. As of late, I'm all about this free love thing, as it were. If you're two consenting individuals, then sure. Just make sure you don't do something stupid like get someone pregnant. Especially if it's me. I don't need that. I'm all about sex and not so much about relationships. I'd rather be a fuck buddy and a friend than in a relationship and feel like a fuck buddy. But rest assured that, were I truly in the sort of relationship I ultimately want, that sort of thing would stop. Until then, know that my heart is taken, but my body isn't. It's up to me who gets it, though. Like I said, I certainly did not mean to hurt anyone with my words, and I hope I didn't.
But do keep in mind, I warned you.
Hell and damnation, I need some. The nympho part of my brain has totally taken over as of this week. And this is truly the LAST week I should be considering things like this. *swears profusely* I wish I knew what to do. I know what I want to do, but I can't afford to, and besides, I'd have to leave, and that would just make things that much worse, I think. I don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore. I just wish my brain would shut the fuck up and organize itself, and in the process kick some of the crap out of it. I'm going to go insane soon, and that's the last thing anyone needs.
Believe me.
Quote for the Day: "If you have an STD, you shouldn't spread it." --Erin (fitting quote, and if it's taken out of context, it's hilarious)