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6:29 p.m.
2002-02-04
Problems With Me? Tell ME, not others.
I'm really annoyed. I wanted to post the fic today; I don't know why, but I just did. But something happened today in my focal point that I just need to write about. It involves certain people saying certain things about me, and I wish I knew why he and not other people (who it seemed more likely to come from) didn't say it. But needless to say, I'm very upset, near to pissed off, which I don't get very often. But be warned--major ranting ahead.
Fuck you. Fuck you right in the ear. I apologize for trying to stay friends with the ones I have. I'm sorry it's difficult to talk every day with those that are farther away. That doesn't mean I love them any less. Plus, everyone is just so busy lately--it's really hard to keep constantly in touch.
I do NOT segregate myself to certain people. I apologize if it seems to be that way, because it's not. But, see, the thing is, you don't know everything about my life, despite what you might think. You see but a small portion of my life, so you therefore do not know everything about me. I have made several friends here at school, but the unfortunate fact is that most of them commute, so I can't see them as much as I'd like. It's hard to spend a lot of time with commuters--I know, I was one of them for the entire first part of the year. But as of right now, it's difficult to adjust to things, and having familiar things and people nearby helps me greatly. You don't know everything about my life, and you don't know everything about me. I don't even know everything about me. I have other friends, you stupid fuck. Don't go telling people things that you don't know are entirely true. And then, especially, don't come up to me acting all friendly like, when you had to know that I heard what you said. How could I not? You were four bloody seats away.
I can't do everything myself. Earlier this year, I did try to keep things up with everyone, all the while doing my schoolwork and doing the show and trying to assimilate to my new surroundings. When I'm the only one who seems to be trying, however, I tend to get a trifle bit frustrated. I try and try, but if I'm not getting the same feelings back from people, then I really don't know what to do. If you can help with any constructive advice and/or suggestions, please say something to me. Don't say it to other people who have no idea what my life is like. If you can't do that, then keep your uninformed and ignorant opinions to yourself.
I'm doing everything I can to adjust to surroundings that most people have adjusted to by now. What most people went through in August and September, when things were new to everyone, I'm having to do now, and it leaves me feeling very alone. I'm trying to keep things familiar and alive, and trying to assimilate without compromising myself and my ideals, but I'm not as strong as I once was. I'm older and have seen more. I just don't have the willpower I need to change my life entirely, like I had about four years ago. It's simply not there anymore. Unless you're me, don't go talking about things you don't understand. Every face has a story. Don't put the wrong story behind that face.
Quote for the Day: "See me, feel me, touch me, heal me..." --See Me, Feel Me, from "Tommy"