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4:28 p.m.
2001-12-29
Weakling
Why am I such a bloody idiot? Why am I such a weakling? I can lie about stupid things like not going to parties or movies or whatever--why couldn't I do it just a few minutes ago? I talk big, and act big, and all that nonsense that everyone sputters at least once throughout their lives, but why can't I do stuff like that when I need it most? Why do I just give in? It's driving me crazy just thinking about it, for Christ's sake.
I just wanted a quiet evening at home. No one was going to be here. It was just going to be me, some stuffed shells, some Merlot, and cartoons galore. Odd combination, I know, but I was looking forward to it. Then, ten minutes after I sign off line--only ten minutes--the phone rings. I smile, thinking it's Jim, 'cause he was supposed to call me tonight, but when I look at the caller ID, the smile changes. It's Kevin.
Don't get me wrong. I like Kevin. We've had our rough spots, but he's a great guy. But I can't say no to him. When he said, "Hey, let's go see Lord of the Rings (Best Movie Ever). You said you'd go see it with me," I said, "Sure, why not?"
Sure, why not. What is wrong with me?
This is not what I want to be doing tonight. This, or anything else. I want down time. I want alone time. My days have been filled with people, and the one night I could possibly have that alone time has just been snatched away from me. And it's all my fault.
Sure, I could call him back and say, "Kev, listen, I really need some down time. Can we reschedule?" It looks really simple, doesn't it? But I won't. I'll feel bad for again cancelling on him, and leaving him hanging, as I have done several times in the past. I'll feel like I'm lying, even though I'm not, and will kick myself for the rest of the evening. Problem is, though, even if I did go out with him tonight (which I will, of course--I'm too cowardly to call and tell him to fuck off, as it 'twere), I'm still going to be kicking myself, because I'm not doing what I want to be doing--or what I need to be doing.
I don't have a tomorrow, essentially. I have mass at noon, then I have to immediately leave to drive for an hour to pick my sister up from Seneca, then drive an hour back so we can clean the house--which, coincidentally, I could be doing tonight, if I wasn't such a weakling--and then go out for my Nana's birthday dinner (her birthday is actually tomorrow, but it's kinda hard to get everyone together and find a place that's not booked on New Year's Eve, no da), and then come home and do laundry. Then, my sister's not leaving again until Monday at four thirty, which gives me no alone time, especially if James stays home, and if Sue, Kate, or Jim calls to make New Year's plans. With my luck, both James and Sally will stay home, and none of the abovementioned three will call--just like Jim was supposed to come over for dinner tonight, right Jim?--and I'll be stuck at home, with my siblings, on New Year's Eve. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Needless to say, I'm a trifle annoyed. But will Kevin know that? NOOOOOO. Why? Because I'm a bloody fucking weakling baby, that's why.
Quote for the Day: "Got the cool...got the cool shoe shine..." --Noodle of Gorillaz, "19-2000"