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10:48 a.m.
2004-04-27
Reflections on Yesterday
Taken from a previous writing...
I don't know what yesterday was. I equated "I love you" with "I love you and now I'm going to leave you forever" for some God-unknown reason. At the same time, however, I found it so unbelievable and amazing that someone could actually love me in that way that it caused tears of joy along with tears of sorrow. I wanted to be held and comforted, but as soon as anyone started to do that, I wanted to be left alone, I wanted to scream at them to stop touching me. Attention was needed--almost craved--at some points, but after that attention was given, nothing felt any different, and everything felt forced. I soaked a small section of floor with my tears, and caused my eyes pain that still lingers, more than twelve hours after the last big cry.
And I really don't know why.
The only thing I do know is that I hated myself yesterday. I hated everything about the way I look, the way I act, the way I am. I hated the fact that I needed and wanted attention, then got upset when I didn't immediately receive it, like some spoiled child. I hated the fact that I had no clue what the hell was going on with my body and my emotions. I hated the way I was treating people, and how they just put up with it. I hated my hair, my clothes, my body, my teeth, everything about my appearance that one could think of. I hated school, my job, my responsibilites to both of those and to others. I hated the fact that there were only three exedrine and two ibuprofin in the bottle in my purse. I hated my double-edged cowardice.
I don't know what happened yesterday. I know I caused people worry. I caused myself worry, too. I'd say everything was better today, but I'm not sure if that's true yet. It's only 8:30 in the morning. Yesterday, the tears and hatred started around that time. We'll see what happens today. Nothing has started yet.
/end previous writing
And as of about 11 AM CST, fragility remains, and some of the self hatred remains. I'm working to get rid of it, but things happen and just bring it back. Obviously, my strength has deteriorated and the cowardice and laziness remains. I don't know what to do.
Quote for the Day: "You may dream..." --Kare Kano opening