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11:44 a.m.
2002-05-23
Decisions, Decisions
Taken from an earlier writing.
I don't know what I want anymore. There are a few things I know I want more than anything else in the world--and you know what they are--but as for a lot of other things...I just don't know.
School is one of the things I don't know about. I don't know if it's just me or what, but I wonder if I even want to go to college anymore. Everyday I just get more stressed out and worried by things. I never had to actually worry about passing a course before. Now, it's always on my mind. More and more, I get it stuck in my head that I'm not going to be good enough or do well enough to get even my bachelor's. I keep listening to people who whine about getting Bs and not getting into the best grad schools, and it's finally affecting me. It never used to before. I used to roll my eyes at people who cried over getting Bs. Now, I'm starting to feel like them. Like I can never be good enough.
What I should do is just suck it in and be strong. Gather up that old will of mine and plow my way through until I can get those As, that bachelor's, and am essentially done. I should quit worrying so much about the future and concentrate on the present, and just trying to get through it. But is this what I really want? Will I be happy then? I don't know. I used to think I would be. I would go on, be Dr. Girdauskas, Ph.d in English or whatever, and all would be good. So many things have happened, so many things have changed, and now I'm not so sure. For right now, Ms. Girdauskas is an appropriate title, and a B.A. is just fine. It's as far as I want to go as of right now.
You know what I want to do? I want to be a florist. I want to be taught how to do it, and I want to be able to arrange flowers and make them into something even more beautiful than they already are, if that's at all possible. Flowers have always made me happy, and I know they do the same to others. I want to have a hand in that happiness, so to speak. I don't know why, but it's something I want to do right now.
But if it's something I want to do right now, is it something I want to continue doing for the rest of my life? Am I going to be comfortable and happy with that, or am I going to end up regretting it? That's the one thing that's keeping me going in school. If I get my bachelor's in English, at least I'll have that, and I'll have something to work off of. Then, if I want, I can go back and try for my master's. I know it's better to go right on and get it--according to most--but I don't know. If my life continues on the path it's on, I may have to worry more about working and making money to support stuff rather than spending more and going to school. And it's those thoughts that have me considering things like taking a year off of school, or dropping it altogether.
My life is essentially going to start in a little over two years. I'm going to have to worry about more than myself. I'm going to have to truly start supporting myself, and to a degree, someone else. And as of right now, I know I can't afford to do that. I know I'm going to have to change things if I'm going to be able to. England is going to have to be put aside, I'm sorry to say. I can't justify spending the nearly two thousand or more going to study there, when what I really want is to vacation there, maybe live there one day. Sarah's going to kill me when she reads this, but I literally don't know if I could bring myself to do it. I keep thinking of the things I'm going to need, what I'm going to have to have to live a few years from now...I just don't know.
I need to stop thinking about this right now. Later is the time for thinking.
Quote for the Day: "Tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me...I'm hyped up on coffee!" --me